Weakness

Had a great day today

Fulfilled my promise that I'll bring YC and Xue Ning to Pavilion

Too bad Yan2 can't go with us tho

And I didn't tell my mom that I sleptover at my laopo's house

She wouldn't let, but dad and mom are both at Singapore

Why don't I sleep with my laopo then bwahaha XD 

Paktor more than 24 hours hahaha ❤️

So yea drove to pavilion

My first time driving to KL

Quite a chaotic area @@

Welcome to KL peeps

Well I'm really bad at directions

So all I'm relying on is Waze

Going back that time, something major happened 

I was following Waze blindly

I didn't realize there was a double line

I didn't realize there was police

Well I went the wrong way, but I don't wanna go Smart tunnel which is the wrong way, some more have to pay toll

So I just cut to the left hand side lane, without realizing there's this double line 

Who usually cares about that dumbass line anyways =w=

Then kena tepi 

My first time weih, I was so fcking nervous

I can't think properly

All I can do is panic and thinking what I've done wrong 

Well the policeman keep mentioning "sayang la P license kena saman"

Obviously he was waiting for me to ask for his help -.-

I have to do this I got no choice

If not I have to retake the whole exam

Tbh I'm against bribery 

If I'm not a P license driver 

I would have just tell him "encik nk saman cepat saman je"

I don't mind paying 300 bucks

Ik it's my bad for crossing the double line as laws are laws 

Never mind, one more year then sayonara P license 

Feel like I was such a loser tho

I was actually so afraid that I'll lose my license, that I was about to cry

So lakseh weih -.-

But my laopo was so calm, asking me to chill and telling me it'll be okay 

YC was already preparing *cough*

Lol I was trembling in fear, almost like when I was having Mottephobia but well it wasn't that serious la

My biggest weakness is to be afraid of anything unexpected

I can't handle them calmly

Why am I so weak..

2nd datoutie in my life 

Love you guys thanks for bearing with my temper, and how useless I am

Insecurity

I always have this feeling of insecure
Like sometimes I will even feel so insecure, that my chest is like irregular heartbeat rate
And I'll be kinda nervous dk for what
I can't sit still, then I'll move my attention to my phone, probably 2048 or stuffs that need me to think or need lots of my attention

I'm always afraid of being alone
Always afraid of the ones I cared might leave me one day
Or thought that I'm annoying or troublesome etc /3\
I still can remember during primary school, my one and only close friend I have, I trusted the most
She left me
During standard 4 and 5, I was kind of in a rebellion state I guess
I don't have the mood to study at all, although I was in the 1st class aka the best class
Everyone was such a smarty pants
I got the last place in class daebak eh
Then of course my ranking was so bad that I dropped from the 1st class to the 2nd class during standard 6
Well I won't think it's a really bad thing tho
In the 1st class, I realized you won't have any true friends, all everyone cared was only their grades, their rankings and stuffs
I thought my best friend wasn't like that but I was wrong apparently
She told me different class never mind, cuz she'll wait for me and recess or hangout with me like we used to
She said we are best friends forever so no worries cuz nothing will change
I was so touched cuz I thought it was real
But erm no, she didn't wait for me, she went off to recess with her other friends
Which left me, the stupid one who believed her, waited for her outside her class almost everyday
Luckily my cousin dragged me with her
Then I was never alone, to have my CTM <3

Then secondary school, when my Shun Shun transferred, darn I was so sad I cried for so long
When form 3 starts, I didn't even know where I belonged to, cuz I usually hangout with her although when form 2 we weren't in the same class
Jean said I was like a lost puppy hahaha
Well then thanks for adopting me with you guys ah Pudding <3
#PuddingFamlilyForever #LongLivePudding

Then now college
1st day of college during orientation well I was kind of lost without Pudding them la
But I was lucky that I met Joey and Xue Ning them
The 1st program of the 1st day of orientation haven't even started yet
I've already made a new friend, Joey
Then coincidentally my sem 1's timetable every single subject I was in the same class with Xue Ning
And my luck was so good that I met YC, exactly my kind, the same kind of people DAEBAK XD
Most importantly, I met my beloved laopo
My one decision leads to quite a big impact ah
Imagine if I didn't drop maths and switch to fund maths, then maybe I wouldn't have got so close with her
Maybe only hi-bye friends?
Fate brought us together hahaha <3

Sem 2 is actually kind of suckish compared to sem 1
I have to spend most of my breaks alone
I have to bear with the stress of going to sem 3 alone
Like I said I can't handle myself to be alone
Maybe I am insecure in this way haha
But again, luckily I met my laopo, who really knows me quite well, always there for me, and of course the one who I will turn around and run to when I really am insecure
Cuz I know she will be there for me
And she is my padlock to my insecurity

I was trying so hard to move on from the fear of being alone
But now it's already August, 2014 is ending so soon in the blink of an eye
And 2015, Idk what should I feel about it
I'm not happy tbh
Cuz sem 3 I'll be all on my own, without my #selfie gang
Without my laopo
Idk how should I survive haha

Well if I'm more mature then maybe I won't be afraid at all of these stupid stuffs
But yea I'm still immature I guess

Moving on from your fear is hard..

Driving Issues

I'm really a P driver 

My dad taught me lots of stuffs about cars 

But he missed out one 

How to pump air for tyre 

Forgotten to check silver's tyre

For like months

It was supposed to be 31

But then it actually left 20 

And so went to pump air with my laopo

But the funny part is none of us know how to pump LOL

We didn't know that must press "flat tyre" before start pumping 

So it was weird that it keep letting the air in my tyre out instead of pumping it in

It was originally left 20, but then drop till 8

Then I was so panic xia, like wtffff

Luckily I didn't go alone haha

Laopo thought of going to ask the petrol station staff to help us

So paiseh la haha

Thank you Mr petrol station guy XD 

And I found my EQ is really really bad 

I get angry or annoyed really easily 

The worst part is, I can't even control myself

Especially when it comes to driving

Like just now there's this motor suddenly cut into my lane 

Like really really suddenly

I almost hit him, but luckily I didn't la

He still dare to horn me, and even glared at me

WTF you're the one who's cutting lane recklessly =.=

At that moment I actually feel like accelerating to hit him for real

And then after that, I really got annoyed by other drivers, like everyone of them, especially motorcycles are annoying to me

Then there's this Kenari cutting lane again

No signals no nothing

Just come out suddenly

I almost crashed it again

DUDE AFTER I HORN BARU PAKAI SIGNAL GENIUS

Anger control ahhh

I really drive very recklessly when I'm angry 

Almost put my laopo's life in danger too

Sorry ah laopo ><

Volcano alert 

Assignments

1st of all Selamat Hari Raya to all my Muslim friends
And of course we got a week of Raya break
But to me it ain't a break at all
More like a week for us to rush assignments
Rush-assignment-week ah TwT

First of all is English
Have to start on the report's draft already
Draft has to be handed in by 8th of August

Second is Biology
We are asked to choose a topic
And do a slide on it
I chose MRI
Magnetic Resonance Imaging
Seen in those HK drama before
And it's quite interesting hahaha

Cool eh XD
And also have to hand in the draft by 8th of August

WHAT IS WRONG WITH 8/8/14 =3=

And added another task by myself is to finish reading Kite Runner
HOPEFULLY /3\

Kk la
Gonna work on it now
CHAYOK

Sorry

*cough*
It's quite a long time since I updated my blog
And it's even kinda awkward for me now to start
So I started off with a cough hahaha

I'm sorry.

I'm really feeling kinda down these days
It started on the day I received my sem 1 finals' results
I was still on my Penang trip with pudding
I failed my chemistry, yea I got no regrets for that cuz I've really tried my best
Even I've worked hard but I still failed miserably
Maybe I didn't work hard enough
Maybe I studied the wrong way
Idk but it really is depressing
Everyone can move on to the next sem
As for me I have to take an additional sem
5 months all on my own
Ik it's only a small matter
But I cannot cope with this
I tend to overthink everyday
I even paid RM50 for the clerical check
Which now I'm telling myself not to get my hopes on it too high up
Cuz lots of people told me the outcome most probably will still be the same
But hey, it's still a small small hope, the only small small hope I can bet on

I've been putting a fake smiley face these days
I don't want to show my weak side to others
I laughed I smiled everyday
But I find this is actually really really tiring
I hated sem 2
I missed sem 1
I still feel like I've wasted my dad's money
But what to do I've worked hard
I wouldn't say I'm really hardworking
But I'm comparing to myself, I'm way much more better than the old me
I'm a failure

And to that someone, not sure will you be reading this but
No offense I'm just gonna voice out what I felt
I thought we're already considered close friends
But apparently, only I felt so, only I thought so
I always believed how you treat your friends, and that's the way your friends are going to treat you back
That's why I always treated almost all of my close friends with a true and sincere heart
Even sometimes my mom would scolded me stupid for doing so
All I replied her was a smile
Maybe my soulmate was right, nobody asks me to care, so why should I care that much?
Idk, I can't stop myself from caring the ones I cared
It felt like these days, I've been avoided or what
Same class, but it's even pathetic to say, so what?
Are we hanging out like we used to?
I would even preferred to go back to sem 1, although have to stay till very late, bare with the terrible traffics, not even same class for a single subject
But at least, I felt really really happy
I was even excited to attend classes, everyday
Now? Sometimes I even felt like, can I not go today, can I stay at home today etc
Sometimes I even tried to squeeze out some free time out, but so what?
Rejected. Speechlessly, I said it's okay, never mind.

Sorry for being naive, stupid enough to care too much
Sorry if I annoyed you, I'm too childish to be handled
I get hyper at times, even I'm annoyed by myself, regretting why would I have took such stupid and reckless actions

I'm sorry. Once again.

-caring too much may hurt yourself too-

Mottephobia

Mottephobia aka moth phobia

Yes

I'm afraid of moth

Or any flying insects like dragonfly or butterflies or flying cockroach etc

But the one I feared the most is moth

I know it won't bite or it won't kill me

But idk why I'm so deadly afraid of it

Luckily I'm living in apartment, 4th floor, which it most likely couldn't reach this height

Incident happened just now

And nobody cares, nobody takes it seriously

There was a moth at the door

Everyone ran out

Leaving me alone in the dark room, with a fcking moth

I've never felt so frightened in my life before

I got so scared that I cried

I got so scared that I couldn't stop trembling

I got so scared that my legs are shaking and I don't even have the strength to walk out

I was hoping someone will come for my rescue

Especially my dear o mom

But instead of helping me a little

She was teasing and scolding me like it was only a small matter 

Yea, it is a small matter to you or to everyone

BUT NOT TO ME OKAY

I HAVE MOTH PHOBIA

Or you can say insects phobia

I couldn't help this

I just got so scared and felt so helpless

That I actually rather I could die now

I'm so seriously scared

You were so seriously not believing me

I know I am so useless

Again

Why am I so useless?

Failure

So I received my finals results for sem 1

Knew it during the Penang trip with pudding tho

2 D and 1 F

A F for chemistry

2 marks away from passing

Speechless

First time purely no cheating

First time studied early 

Paid attention in class

Only for once I was daydreaming

Can't help it cuz that day I was going to present for English

So I was dead nervous

Couldn't eat couldn't joke like I used to

So not me LOL

Tried so hard not to think about it during Penang trip 

I knew it would ruin my mood 

I scared I would cry in front of everyone 

I thought I've let it go

But actually I haven't 

Went to see Ms Edith today

And she said for accelerated class, if I failed one subject I must take additional semester 

And then I was so so so miserable

I don't wanna take additional sem alone

I hated to be alone

I scared to be on my own

I know I must learn to be more independent

But I just couldn't 

By the time I'm having my extra semester 

My friends would all be in monash already

And I'll be all alone in MUFY

I might be joining with July intakes

And everyone would be already having their own gang

I'm not good at being socializing 

I'm not good at approaching for new friends

I would miss my friends until I die 

It's not like I didn't pay attention in class

It's not like I didn't work hard

It's not like I didn't do revisions

Why?

It's still only two more marks

God damn this shit

Appealed for clerical check

Ms Edith told me to be mentally prepared that usually the outcome will still be a F

And that costed me RM50

Put money issue aside

It's only two more marks for god's sake

Please let me pass this shit

I don't wanna waste my parents' money for an extra sem

Why am I so useless?