Sorry

*cough*
It's quite a long time since I updated my blog
And it's even kinda awkward for me now to start
So I started off with a cough hahaha

I'm sorry.

I'm really feeling kinda down these days
It started on the day I received my sem 1 finals' results
I was still on my Penang trip with pudding
I failed my chemistry, yea I got no regrets for that cuz I've really tried my best
Even I've worked hard but I still failed miserably
Maybe I didn't work hard enough
Maybe I studied the wrong way
Idk but it really is depressing
Everyone can move on to the next sem
As for me I have to take an additional sem
5 months all on my own
Ik it's only a small matter
But I cannot cope with this
I tend to overthink everyday
I even paid RM50 for the clerical check
Which now I'm telling myself not to get my hopes on it too high up
Cuz lots of people told me the outcome most probably will still be the same
But hey, it's still a small small hope, the only small small hope I can bet on

I've been putting a fake smiley face these days
I don't want to show my weak side to others
I laughed I smiled everyday
But I find this is actually really really tiring
I hated sem 2
I missed sem 1
I still feel like I've wasted my dad's money
But what to do I've worked hard
I wouldn't say I'm really hardworking
But I'm comparing to myself, I'm way much more better than the old me
I'm a failure

And to that someone, not sure will you be reading this but
No offense I'm just gonna voice out what I felt
I thought we're already considered close friends
But apparently, only I felt so, only I thought so
I always believed how you treat your friends, and that's the way your friends are going to treat you back
That's why I always treated almost all of my close friends with a true and sincere heart
Even sometimes my mom would scolded me stupid for doing so
All I replied her was a smile
Maybe my soulmate was right, nobody asks me to care, so why should I care that much?
Idk, I can't stop myself from caring the ones I cared
It felt like these days, I've been avoided or what
Same class, but it's even pathetic to say, so what?
Are we hanging out like we used to?
I would even preferred to go back to sem 1, although have to stay till very late, bare with the terrible traffics, not even same class for a single subject
But at least, I felt really really happy
I was even excited to attend classes, everyday
Now? Sometimes I even felt like, can I not go today, can I stay at home today etc
Sometimes I even tried to squeeze out some free time out, but so what?
Rejected. Speechlessly, I said it's okay, never mind.

Sorry for being naive, stupid enough to care too much
Sorry if I annoyed you, I'm too childish to be handled
I get hyper at times, even I'm annoyed by myself, regretting why would I have took such stupid and reckless actions

I'm sorry. Once again.

-caring too much may hurt yourself too-